I’ve hit a real low lately. Bullshit with immigration, lack of work, and living with my mother is really beginning to take its toll emotionally. I came back from Canada last week and I’ve just been in a thick fog since.
I get Old Man feels around this time of year. This is when He comes out in Southern California, and the stifling humidity that we get anymore just makes me want to sit outside and spend some time with Him. But I’m not really supposed to be doing that, what with this Year of the Monkey thing I’ve got going on. I’m not to get “distracted” by other Gods like that.
But I need grounding right now, for so many reasons, and grounding is one thing that the Twins do not (cannot?) provide. Mundane life has me holding on for dear life, my feet kicking in the empty air underneath me, and my spiritual obligations has me in exactly the same spot. No shrines, no images, no rituals, no proper names, no liturgy, no holidays… this is what I mean by grounding. Those things provide grounding and context, and the Twins didn’t want any of that for this year. It really fucks you up after a while. If my mundane life had stability, this would be easier to roll with. But with depression threatening to cripple me from all sides, I’m reaching a breaking point. Something’s got to give, or I won’t be able to do any work for anybody, divine or mortal.
I talked to Them today, laid out the situation in plain English even though I know They know. (They don’t generally respond to my unspoken thoughts.) I told them that They needed to throw me a bone or the deal is off. That’s it, I can’t do anymore. I get the impression that They didn’t see this coming, and that this may honestly be something none of us knows how to deal with properly. If They’ve ever had proper cultus, then it’s been a long time. And I don’t think they’ve ever had a devotee relationship like this either, at any rate. What snippets of history I’ve pieced together doesn’t point to anything.
I don’t want to break the agreement, I really don’t. But either I get broken, or it does, and I know that They wouldn’t deliberately fuck me up quite this badly. Even if our little contract gets broken, They know I’m still “good for it” in a way.
The only reason I’m explaining outlining what’s going on here is because I seem to be in an uncommon situation, and that this might help somebody else should they find themselves in a similar arrangement. Otherwise, this is a pretty private matter, and I don’t really get anything out of talking about my depressive lows either.
So more TBA, I guess. As soon as I find out more.