Breaking Point

I’ve hit a real low lately. Bullshit with immigration, lack of work, and living with my mother is really beginning to take its toll emotionally. I came back from Canada last week and I’ve just been in a thick fog since.

I get Old Man feels around this time of year. This is when He comes out in Southern California, and the stifling humidity that we get anymore just makes me want to sit outside and spend some time with Him. But I’m not really supposed to be doing that, what with this Year of the Monkey thing I’ve got going on. I’m not to get “distracted” by other Gods like that.

But I need grounding right now, for so many reasons, and grounding is one thing that the Twins do not (cannot?) provide. Mundane life has me holding on for dear life, my feet kicking in the empty air underneath me, and my spiritual obligations has me in exactly the same spot. No shrines, no images, no rituals, no proper names, no liturgy, no holidays… this is what I mean by grounding. Those things provide grounding and context, and the Twins didn’t want any of that for this year. It really fucks you up after a while. If my mundane life had stability, this would be easier to roll with. But with depression threatening to cripple me from all sides, I’m reaching a breaking point. Something’s got to give, or I won’t be able to do any work for anybody, divine or mortal.

I talked to Them today, laid out the situation in plain English even though I know They know. (They don’t generally respond to my unspoken thoughts.) I told them that They needed to throw me a bone or the deal is off. That’s it, I can’t do anymore. I get the impression that They didn’t see this coming, and that this may honestly be something none of us knows how to deal with properly. If They’ve ever had proper cultus, then it’s been a long time. And I don’t think they’ve ever had a devotee relationship like this either, at any rate. What snippets of history I’ve pieced together doesn’t point to anything.

I don’t want to break the agreement, I really don’t. But either I get broken, or it does, and I know that They wouldn’t deliberately fuck me up quite this badly. Even if our little contract gets broken, They know I’m still “good for it” in a way.

The only reason I’m explaining outlining what’s going on here is because I seem to be in an uncommon situation, and that this might help somebody else should they find themselves in a similar arrangement. Otherwise, this is a pretty private matter, and I don’t really get anything out of talking about my depressive lows either.

So more TBA, I guess. As soon as I find out more.



7 thoughts on “Breaking Point

  1. “No shrines, no images, no rituals, no proper names, no liturgy, no holidays… ”

    Wow. That sounds really difficult. I have done something only a small bit like that for only a month and it was hard on me. Seems totally understandable that you would hit a breaking point, combining that with intense mundane stress. Hope you work it out with Them. Interesting point that arises from this – that dealing with gods or spirits who have had little to no previous cultus is a different sort of process, for both sides. I have a lot of experience with that one.


    1. I thought it was going to be easy – “it’ll simplify things for you” They said. Ha! At any rate, this us especially difficult as I’m not one that can hear spirits nearly as well as others, so ascertaining specifics is very difficult for me and sometimes impossible. If you have any pointers for working with Gods who are, let’s day, out of practice also, they would be mighty appreciated. (Though I understand if you’re not in a position to share.)


      1. Unfortunately, I’m not sure that anything about my interactions with my spirits is broadly applicable to anyone else – our relationship is often idiosyncratic, though it does occasionally mirror certain folkloric accounts. Mostly I have just been winging it as I go along, trying things out and seeing what works. If you can find some folklore or hints – anything, from anywhere – that remind you of Them, that might be a starting point, that’s basically what I did, since I didn’t have a specific tradition or culture to fall back on. I mean, I seriously even have taken some cues from Alice’s interactions with the denizens of Wonderland – anything can serve, if it fits Their personalities. Also, maybe don’t be afraid to come up with your own traditions and set your own rules, since there are no extant guidelines. I do find that a broad review of polytheism, animism and folklore from around the world can help you recognize general patterns and tendencies that might be applicable to your own practice.


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