I know I spent a lot of time on my previous blog combing through my history, figuring out who I was at previous points in my life, looking for ways that it might inform me on who I am now and where I aught to go. So I almost didn’t even participate in my own first roundtable theme, but then I remembered… it can often benefit us and empower us to not just go over our own stories, but retell them in different ways. We can change our own canon.
There’s a lot that sets me apart from the “average person”. If that means anything outside of the language of marketability, I don’t know. All I know is that it was tremendously difficult for me to relate to just about anyone for years, and it still is.
To keep the story short, I’d always found it much easier to identify with animals and fantastical creatures than humans, especially as a child. Around puberty, my world turned inside out. I rejected the Christian god because of his apathy regarding my abusive upbringing just as a new set of dangerously counterculture friends showed me a copy of The Witches Bible. I began practicing witchcraft; alongside drawing, it became my primary hobby. I called it “Wicca”? But it in no way resembled the religion, and was really the only framework I had to describe what it was I was doing. I called on plenty of deities over the years but didn’t really “believe” in any of them, and definitely wouldn’t call myself a polytheist.
It was around this time that I also begrudgingly started settling into the role of “female”. I was coerced into seeing myself as a sexual commodity to be bought and paid for by the first boy to take interest in me, despite simultaneously hating “boys” and the culture of dating. The very idea of having sex would throw me into a panic attack.
So the goddess worship and fertility thing? It made sense to me inasmuch as the concept of being born made sense to Frankenstein’s monster. I was a pitiable product of a world that both wanted to control me and throw me away, and while I celebrated the 8 sabbats and observed the turning of the wheel, I hated that it was a penis in a vagina that made it go ’round.
I was a very bitter and self-loathing person for a long time because of that.
A few years ago I finally was in a position to acknowledge my clinical depression and deal with it. (Growing up, neither of my parents really believed in taking pills for anything but the flu, and mental illness was not really on their radar.) And it was shortly before this that I really starting working on myself as a human being; sloughing off sickly worldviews, rancid language, and dead resentments. I was finally, after countless hours of reading, able to situate myself in the human landscape: I’m ace, aro-spectrum, and not just gender-nonconforming, but somewhere between cis-agender and neutrois. I also rediscovered paganism.
Working on a comic, I was amassing a lot of reference of Mesoamerican sculpture and found myself staring rather longingly at a few of the figures. Who were they? What were their myths? I kinda had to find out.
Two years, many visions, several dreams, two tattoos, and many hours of worship later, I found myself neck-deep in the mysteries of 4 deities. The Rain Lord, The Twins, and Saint Death/Mother of Bones. As a Mexican-American with no clue as to my family’s origins south of the border, these gods were and continue to help me reorient myself in ways that my ancient ancestors might have recognized. It’s a paltry hope, but the spiritual development I’ve had thanks to them, especially Chaak, is priceless on its own; especially my UPG concerning him and his gender symbolism. I swear, I swell with emotion just thinking about it.
But I have pale skin and freckles, too, and my father’s name comes from Germany. So Fyrn Sidu it is as well.
In coming months, I think I’ll be writing more about the genders of and the types of deities I find myself continuously drawn to. At any rate, I’m really excited to be having this conversation in P/P/Wdom finally, and I really can’t wait to see what folks have to say for future themes too. Maybe I’ll even make a friend or two.
For now, though, I like this version of my story thus far.